One of the most difficult things I have ever done is to sit here, in my little piece of sacred space, to compose this entry for the Handmade-Space blog. I thought my last entry, "When The Fabric Of Life Tears ...", written in memory of my son Shane, was hard. Living here now, I notice a greater reluctance to begin the task of moving past the trauma of that loss to continue on with purpose and grace.
Living here now was difficult when faced with the loss of my son. My heart and mind was full of past memories, both good and bad. I found myself often living in imagined futures, too. There were the imagined futures I would never have with Shane, as well as imagined futures I still hoped to see. My youngest daughter's wedding was in April, so I threw myself into the wedding preparations with a vengeance. Most weddings are extremely stressful, and the stress kept me going most days.
In the space of approximately thirteen weeks I lived through two of the most stressful life events possible - the death of a child and the marriage of my youngest daughter. I felt split between past and future at all times, and it was often a struggle to remain present at all
As the weeks have passed, I have remained cognizant that I could not avoid stepping back into the blogosphere if I really wished to remain on purpose. A large part of my purpose is to reveal some of the ways and means that any ordinary human can use to improve and/or maintain their health and well-being, even midst stressful and challenging events.
I am also deeply aware that the transparency I aim to bring from my sacred Handmade-Space into the global conversation is likely to take me out of my comfort zone. Going public means humbling myself enough to allow others to see my faults and my contradictions, as well as the triumphs of my life. Transparency keeps me accountable! I may not have many readers ... but I remain keenly aware that the readers I DO serve help to keep me honest with myself.
No human escapes stress ... or loss. That is reality. Sooner, or later, when faced with trauma, we each must confront that reality and make a choice. Some choose to remain focused on the past or future, avoiding the reality of the trauma for as long as possible. Learning ways to mitigate the stress and maintain the resiliency needed to recover and get back into the game of living here now motivates me to push past my comfort-zone and share what works for me with all of you.
Of one thing I am certain - I would not have managed to move through the last few months as successfully as I have without employing some of the techniques and methods I have learned about biohacking my life. I am exceedingly grateful to have already been introduced to Dave Asprey's Bulletproof methods that, at least, had my biology moving in the direction of resiliency. I KNOW it has made a huge difference. I have learned a lot already that you will find in future transmissions from these pages, but for now, I will begin with the simplest and easiest of 'hacks' ... and in actuality, the one that got me moving forward on purpose again.
Until last week, I just didn't quite know how to move forward with the process of grief. Instead, I avoided it altogether. After my daughter's wedding, I knew I SHOULD be doing something, but I had no idea what to do. I knew I was depressed. Tears would rise often, and I would push them back. My heart and mind was full of regrets of things I might have done or said that could have changed the outcome of my son's death. I felt I had failed as a mother. If only I had been a better mother ... or made different choices ... would things have turned out differently?
Intellectually, I wanted to move forward with my new website www.handmade-self.com, and yet I couldn't let go of my grief to write anything that seemed worthy. I noticed I felt guilty, too, when I thought about healing this sadness. Increasingly I sought the solitude of my sacred space and just wanted to be left alone in my sadness, unwilling to let anyone know how unworthy I felt.
What got me moving again??
I listened to the podcast embedded below, and though there are many great gems of wisdom offered by Peter Sage in this interview, one particular statement had me laughing and crying at the same time, and broke open my heart and mind enough to find the courage I needed to move forward.
"All happiness ever can be is a real-time present condition of thinking happy thoughts."
Simple, eh? Not always easy, but worth a try. So I listened to the podcast several times, took some notes, and made a commitment. If I only did one 'hack' this week, it would be this, first and foremost. No holding on to the sadness in an attempt to prove my love. No beating myself up for not being good enough to change the outcome.
So, 'Thank you!', Peter, for your saginess, and to you, Dave, as well, for the timeliness of your contribution (as well as many other awesome gifts of knowledge and power).
I encourage everyone to listen, and remember to think happy thoughts today!
Breathe Deep - Live In Beauty - Stay Bulletproof
the Bulletproof Gwandma
Trades Of Hope